about me

My birth story

My beautiful child, the meaning of my life was born this april! I do not like or agree with generalization but I do think it is true that you have no idea how much you will love your child until she (or he) is born.

Dot painted pregnancy illustration by Chloe Lights
Pregnancy Illustration

I started recording a video of my birth story when my baby was 6 weeks old and have re-recorded it many times. Now my baby is 3 months old and I gave up on the idea because my strong emotions on the subject make it impossible.

Generally, I had a wonderful birth experience but there were a few things that made it horrible.

My contractions started on a Wednesday night at 2am. I woke up to a strong pain in my belly that felt like a horse kicked me. I waited until 3am to make sure it was contractions but when I saw blood in my urine, I immediately called the hospital and woke my partner up. At 3.15 I was in the hospital already.

They started questioning me and after they drew some blood, did a covid rapid test, they showed me the room where I would later deliver the baby. It was a single bed with a very old chair. Nothing else in the room. I was shocked and was sure they will later take me somewhere else. They didn’t.

My partner joined me after the examinations were over. His job was to hold the device to my belly that recorded the heartbeat of our child. The baby was moving a lot so it was a tough job to always hold it and keep looking for the heartbeat when it got lost. I am forever grateful for my partner to help me through that day and the 3 days following. He was the most supportive, loving person I could hope for.

Father and daughter dotillism illistration by Chloe Lights
My partner and our baby

From the time I woke up, my contractions were 5 minutes, never increasing in time or intensity so at around 8 am the doctor ruptured the membranes and asked the nurses to give me oxytocin.

From the moment the oxy hit my body I can’t remember many things except for the immense pain I felt. I was yelling for a few hours without stop when a midwife came in and asked me to be quiet.

The current Hungarian health system makes it impossible for you to choose a doctor or a midwife (unless you want to pay for a private hospital the amount of money you would pay for a brand new car). That meant for me that at least 10 different people examined me without introducing themselves or telling me what was going on. Another 10 was simply observing, coming and going, whom I assumed were interns and nurses.

watercolor pregnancy illustration by Chloe Lights
watercolor pregnancy illustration

At around 2.45pm a midwife came (I only knew that she was a midwife because I called her a nurse earlier and she corrected me) and after examining me she called the doctors and they prepared for the last bit. A very lovely doctor, a gynecologist, a nurse and an intern came in and instructed me to position myself on the bed. From that moment, everything was so wonderful. I could see my partner’s face again, he stood beside me and held my head so that I didn’t push it against the bed. I pushed and I could feel my baby coming out. It was like magic, I didn’t feel any pain. My baby was born at 3.07pm, she was out from 3 pushes and the moment she was born is the happiest I ever felt.

After the birth I said it many times that if it were just the last 15 minutes, I would give birth every single day, hehe!

So which part of the birth experience was so tragic for me?

The inhumanity and insensibility of the midwife. She always shouted at me, told me to be quiet. When I was in the middle of a contraction and was yelling from pain, she came into the room and pushed down on my belly really hard a couple of times and shouted at me that I can’t be in pain because there are no contractions. Since I was already yelling from pain, the moment she pushed my belly down, I screamed in a voice I never knew I had.

Later a nurse escorted me to a place where I could shower. She explained to me that the warm water should decrease my pain somewhat. So when the contractions came, I showered my belly with warm water, only to experience even more pain so I stopped. However, I noticed that when the contractions started to decrease, warm water helped me to relax and “finish” the contraction sooner.

The midwife came into the shower room, again in the middle of a contraction and started shouting at me that if I don’t do as I’m told, why am I even here? I tried telling her my observations about my body but she didn’t listen.

I cried many many times afterwords because of that lady. Even weeks after giving birth, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying because I fear that if we ever need to go hospital for any reason we might just meet someone like that again and can do nothing about it.

What happened after the baby arrived?

My partner cut the umbilical cord and the lovely nurse wrapped my baby in a towel and gave her to her father. It took a long time to stitch me up, I think it was more than an hour and during that time the baby was with my partner. They sat next to me for a while and they were so beautiful together! I’ll never forget that.

The reason why I didn’t hold my baby during they stitched me up was that I tore quite a bit and the gynecologist told me that at some parts she can’t give me lidokain so I’ll feel everything. That was quite painful but the lady was very nice and professional.

After that they left the three of us alone, and it was beautiful. It was all worth it. We were happy and my baby was healthy and perfect. It was the most difficult but most beautiful day in my life.

Emily

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